By Daniel O'Brien
Make no mistake: Our founding fathers have been extra bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea.
As a prisoner of conflict, Andrew Jackson walked a number of miles barefoot throughout kingdom traces whereas struggling with smallpox and a major head wound acquired while he refused to shine the boots of the warriors who had taken him captive. He used to be 13 years previous. A few a long time later, he turned the 1st popularly elected president and served the kingdom, pausing in brief basically to overcome a would-be murderer with a cane to inside of an inch of his existence. Theodore Roosevelt had bronchial asthma, was once blind in a single eye, survived a number of gunshot wounds, had just one remorse (that there have been no wars to struggle less than his presidency), and was once the 1st U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the alternative, George Washington truly most popular the sound of bullets whizzing through his head in conflict over the sound of silence.
And now those men—these hallowed leaders of the unfastened world—want to kick your ass.
Plenty of historians can let you know which president had the best fiscal recommendations, and which president contributed to shaping our present political events, yet can any of them inform you what to do in case you stumble upon Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing struggle? This booklet will educate you the way to be greater, enhanced, speedier, and extra lethal than the main robust (and craziest) males in heritage. You’re welcome.
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Extra resources for How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country
Although he by no means received a level, Monroe served his kingdom as ambadassador to France and governor of Virginia—and, bizarrely, as secretary of nation and secretary of warfare on the very same time. He was once secretary of kingdom lower than President Madison, who made him secretary of battle whilst the conflict of 1812 broke out. Monroe resigned his previous activity, yet not anyone took over so he simply stated, “Fuck it, I’ll do either. ” He persevered doing the tasks of secretary of nation whereas formulating offensive conflict ideas as secretary of warfare until eventually a peace treaty used to be signed, and then he resigned his warfare place and went again to having only one tremendously tough task. Monroe persevered his streak of awesomeness into the presidency. For starters, he brought a speech that used to be written through John Q. Adams that Monroe known as the “Monroe Doctrine,” simply because that’s one of many stuff you get to do whilst you’re president. The Monroe Doctrine primarily acknowledged, “Dear Europe, remain the hell clear of me and prevent touching my stuff. If I see your faces round North or South the US, i'll come at you with every little thing I’ve acquired, God Bless the US, those shades don’t run, land of the loose domestic of the courageous pass fuck your self united states united states united states! ” Monroe defined that any ecu presence on his soil will be considered as an act of warfare, and at that time the USA had a high-quality music checklist for going to battle with nice Britain, so Britain took Monroe’s “Get off my garden” speech to middle and stayed away. although Adams wrote the speech, it used to be an ideal healthy for Monroe, who refused to be driven round or intimidated his complete lifestyles. At one element in the course of his presidency, he had a dinner for traveling overseas diplomats. one in every of them by some means indignant one other, so that they rushed off to a different room to raise their swords and duel. Monroe—as president—grabbed his personal sword and joined them. He took up hands and yelled at them until eventually they labored out their ameliorations and went domestic, simply because goddammit can’t we now have only one dinner the place all people isn’t attempting to kill every body else? a number of months later, Monroe’s secretary of the treasury, William Crawford, barged into Monroe’s workplace and demanded high-ranking jobs for his pals. President Monroe requested for time to imagine it over and Crawford obtained mad and acknowledged he refused to depart the workplace till Monroe agreed. Monroe made up our minds as a substitute to turn out, seize a collection of fireside tongs, and shout, “You will now go away the room otherwise you might be thrust out. ” It’s now not transparent what he could have performed with these tongs, however the incontrovertible fact that he grabbed them needs to suggest that he had a few form of plan, and this writer is simply too terrified to even speculate. anything with the guy’s balls, possibly? That would’ve been the worst. nice Britain’s selection to get off America’s again additionally gave Monroe a chance to aid the US develop. it may be stated that plenty of presidents gave the US her metaphorical balls (Washington together with his self belief, Teddy along with his durability, Lyndon Johnson together with his huge, immense set of genitalia), yet in basic terms Monroe can boast giving the USA her real dick, whilst he bought Florida from Spain.